Report: It Probably Fine That 5-Year-Old Just Whizzed By On Lyft Scooter

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that it wasn’t their problem and they certainly didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further, the authors of a report released Thursday found that it was probably fine that a 5-year-old just whizzed by on a Lyft scooter. “Nobody else on the street seems to be freaking out or anything, and look, I don’t even know what the age restrictions are on those scooters, so maybe he meets the minimum requirements or something,” said lead researcher Amanda Powell, confirming that she was pretty sure you needed a phone to activate the scooter, so there was probably a parent or older sibling nearby. “The kid obviously knows what he’s doing—I mean, look at how fast he’s weaving in and out of the crowd. And anyway, even if it was a problem, what would I even do about it? Chase after him? He’s so far away at this point that it wouldn’t even be possible. Besides, I’m in a big hurry.” At press time, sources confirmed the distant sounds of honking horns followed by screeching tires and a loud crash could be literally anything.